The 50 Best Christmas Gifts for Her, According to Someone Who Has Clearly Never Met Her

It is possible to spend years acquiring information about somebody and still arrive in December requiring help from a man beside a pyramid of bath salts. There is no need to regard this as failure. Your knowledge will have accumulated untidily, through conversations, holidays, shared meals and the ordinary business of paying attention; the retailer’s knowledge has been organised into a section called Gifts for Her. She may dislike lavender, never wear gold and have strong views about being given things to dust, but the section has lighting, and it is important not to underestimate professional presentation.

Set a budget early, leaving room to increase it in proportion to the time you have not spent choosing. By Christmas Eve, you may find yourself paying twice as much for something you would have walked past in November. Ask for it to be gift-wrapped. There is no reason she should know how recently it became perfect, and a sufficiently elaborate ribbon will give you a moment to compose your expression before she reaches the object itself.

The following recommendations cover a broad range of interests, several of which she may eventually develop. Where you are uncertain, remember that a present need not reflect the person exactly as she is. There is room for aspiration, improvement and, in the more ambitious cases, a complete change of temperament.

1. An exercise bike for the woman you love exactly as she is

An exercise bike allows generosity and criticism to arrive together, avoiding the inconvenience of arranging a separate conversation. Jewellery merely establishes that you thought of her. An exercise bike demonstrates that you thought of her at some length, identified an opportunity for improvement and were prepared to finance the necessary work. Choose a model with performance tracking, so that she can discover not only what you hope for her but whether it has happened by Thursday. The better machines will also compare her with strangers, ensuring that your interest in her progress does not become an exclusively domestic concern.

You will need to hide it before Christmas, preferably somewhere she seldom goes, which may prove difficult if she is responsible for everything stored there. Once installed beside the tree, it should require little explanation: its size, electrical requirements and permanent presence in the sitting room will speak adequately on your behalf. If she looks surprised, remind her that she mentioned getting fitter while eating a mince pie in November. She may have imagined she was simply expressing a passing thought in her own kitchen. It will be reassuring for her to learn that you were listening closely enough to arrange machinery.

2. A present so lovely that nobody has opened it

Behind the spare towels is a reed diffuser you received last Christmas and have preserved with unusual care. Its cellophane remains intact, its corners are undamaged and nobody has interfered with the factory’s arrangement of the reeds. In a year when so much else has been consumed, worn out or misplaced, this is an achievement. The fragrance is called Midnight Orchard, which promises a complicated experience without obliging you to discover what it is. You have already provided twelve months of secure storage; somebody else can now enjoy the anticipation.

A fresh gift bag will establish your authorship. Check beneath the tissue for a card, since a message beginning “Dear Margaret” can complicate a present for Jane. Beneath the first tag you may find another, but there is no advantage in pursuing the matter. You are choosing a Christmas present, not establishing a chain of custody. The box may have passed through several affectionate households without ever being opened, which should be understood as evidence of its continuing suitability for gifting.

Give it outside the gathering at which you received it. Families are smaller than they appear in December, and a distinctive purple box can complete a circuit before anybody has moved house. Should its original giver recognise it, explain that you remembered how much she liked it. The fact that she bought it is unusually strong evidence, and she will probably say it is lovely. You said precisely the same thing, so have the decency not to ask whether she has tried it.

3. Chocolates from somewhere that also sells screenwash

At a quarter to nine on Christmas Eve, the petrol station possesses a clarity that the larger shops have spent six weeks trying to deny you. There are no floors devoted to fragrance, no assistants asking what sort of woman she is and no tables arranged according to whether she enjoys wellness, entertaining or being cherished. There is fuel, screenwash, crisps, batteries and, between a stand of charging cables and a refrigerator containing several varieties of milk, a respectable box of chocolates. After an afternoon in which choice has become steadily less useful, this feels almost merciful.

The chocolates should not be blamed for their surroundings. Had they been arranged beneath flattering lights in a department store, you might have paid more for precisely the same opportunity. Inspect the corners, avoiding the box that appears to have spent part of December supporting a delivery crate, and choose the largest example still capable of passing as deliberate. There may also be flowers near the till. Leave them alone. Adding flowers will not make the purchase look more romantic; it will merely reveal that you had access to a second shelf.

The delicate part comes at home. You said you were going out for milk, and the receipt records both the pint of semi-skimmed and the exact moment at which your Christmas shopping acquired purpose. Remove the carrier bag, find the good wrapping paper and take unusual care over the ribbon. If she says on Christmas morning that she loves these chocolates, accept the observation without explaining where you found them or how fortunate it was that the garage remained open. She has offered the purchase a respectable history, and there is no need to contradict her.

4. The bath set for a more important shower

A bath set should be sufficiently well presented that using it feels like dismantling something. Look for bottles secured individually in a wicker basket, with ribbon passing through places ribbon does not ordinarily need to go. Once the cellophane has been cut and the little tubs removed from their nests of shredded paper, she will merely possess toiletries. Until then, she possesses a present, and it is understandable that she should hesitate to make so drastic a reduction. The basket can go in the bathroom cupboard while she waits for an occasion proportionate to the body soufflé.

Her ordinary shower gel will continue to do the washing. It costs very little and has never suggested that Tuesday ought to become more important before she uses it. Your set should include a wooden implement whose relationship to the human body is unclear, since uncertainty provides further protection against casual opening. Next Christmas, when you notice that everything remains exactly as you arranged it, conclude that she particularly likes the brand. The larger basket will be a thoughtful development, although she may need to remove the spare towels to accommodate this second year of pleasure.

5. Another owl

An owl is an excellent present for a woman who has been given owls before. The evidence is all around her house, and it would be presumptuous to disregard it merely because you helped put it there. Some years ago she remarked that a wooden owl was rather sweet. Perhaps it was. Perhaps a child had just presented it to her and she was behaving decently. Either way, the family acquired a useful fact about her, and useful facts should not be disturbed by subsequent developments. She may since have learned Italian or become absorbed in restoring furniture, but those pursuits require questions, whereas an owl can be bought on the way.

The collection will become a reassuring family enterprise. Your sister favours ceramics; your brother, who shops at airports, has introduced several species unknown to the natural world. Their mother displays them all, partly because she loves her children and partly because each child inspects the shelf on arrival. Removing an owl therefore requires more judgement than accepting one. She cannot dispose of the blue owl without appearing to prefer your sister, or the wooden owl without upsetting the grandchild who painted it. When she dusts, she must lift thirty-seven separate expressions of affection and replace them in an order that cannot be interpreted as a ranking.

Concentrate on finding a function not yet represented. She has owls that contain biscuits, support candles and prevent doors from closing, but kitchen roll may remain an opportunity. If she says she really does have rather a lot, agree that this one will look splendid among them. She will unwrap it carefully because the children are watching and say that you shouldn’t have. Accept the familiar courtesy. It would spoil Christmas to start taking her literally now.

6. A candle worth saving

An expensive candle permits its owner to enjoy a fragrance while considering whether the occasion justifies reducing her supply of it. Choose a price at which lighting the wick feels consequential. She can obtain considerable pleasure by removing the lid, smelling the wax and replacing the lid, a practice which allows the candle to last indefinitely without performing its central function. The fragrance should evoke somewhere neither of you has visited, preferably a building with a complicated history. The accompanying paragraph will explain which part of that history she ought to be smelling.

Tell her she deserves it, making any objection to the cost sound like an unwillingness to value herself. When she finally lights it, perhaps because you are visiting, she may keep an eye on the melt while you discuss something less expensive. Do not ask whether she can smell it yet; she is already receiving quite enough information from the rate at which it is disappearing. Several months later, you will see an ordinary candle burning on the mantelpiece and ask why she is not using the good one. She will explain that she is saving it, and you can both be pleased at the remarkable endurance of your gift.

7. A weekend away from everything she must first arrange

A surprise weekend away is an excellent present for a woman who organises everything. It gives her something to organise abroad. Book before consulting her, since she can rearrange her commitments whereas you cannot reasonably be expected to rearrange a special offer. A non-refundable reservation provides romance with a firmness of purpose it sometimes lacks when left to itself. The hotel has been selected, the flights paid for and the dates established; all that remains is for the rest of her life to become available.

There will be a few preliminary matters. The children must be distributed among relatives. Someone must take the dog, preferably somebody who understands the distinction between being allowed on furniture and being allowed on their furniture. Your mother can stay at the house, although the spare room will need preparing and written instructions must be left for a television she has operated successfully on every previous visit. These are small arrangements of the sort she handles well. You, meanwhile, have found a restaurant.

Do not allow the preparations to obscure the generosity of the gesture. The whole point is to take her away from her responsibilities, and it would be unreasonable to expect you to know what all those responsibilities are. Arrange champagne for the room so that, on arrival, she encounters something completed without her involvement. At dinner, ask why she finds it so difficult to switch off. She may take a moment to answer, which will give you an opportunity to explain how difficult it was to get the table.

8. The free third item, for someone you will think of shortly

Having selected something for your mother and something for your sister, you will discover that the shop owes you another woman. Somewhere among your acquaintances is a person whose requirements coincide with the least expensive item in the promotion. Your task is to identify her before reaching the till, ideally without surrendering your place in the queue. A tube of hand cream offers a broad basis for selection. It has a flower on it, and most of the women you know possess hands and have encountered flowers without apparent difficulty.

This need not be regarded as impersonal. You have reversed the conventional gift-buying process, finding a recipient for an object rather than an object for a recipient, and such flexibility is valuable during busy periods. Should nobody immediately come to mind, keep it wrapped without a name. December will supply someone, perhaps a neighbour who has accepted parcels for you all year and is now to be thanked with something you accepted at the till. She will appreciate being remembered, and you will appreciate having remembered her before the offer ended.

9. A jumper in a complimentary size

A clothing size is a fact, but a Christmas present need not be limited by facts. Choose the size you believe she would be pleased to hear rather than the one she wears. The jumper may not fit, but your intentions will have been slender. Looking at a label in her wardrobe would resolve the matter too easily and deprive you of the opportunity to tell a sales assistant, “She’s about your size,” while assessing somebody who has never met your wife and is six inches taller.

The fitting should take place privately, although Christmas rarely provides the necessary conditions. Someone will ask her to hold it up, someone else will say it looks quite small, and you may feel obliged to explain that it stretches. This introduces properties of the garment into a conversation already burdened with properties of its recipient. If it proves too large, say you imagined she would like it loose; if too small, remark that sizes vary between brands. Neither explanation is particularly useful, but both establish that you have identified possible errors elsewhere. Keep the receipt somewhere accessible. It will be the one part of the present for which everyone can agree on a purpose.

10. An £80 contribution to the £20 Secret Santa

An agreed spending limit allows you to distinguish yourself from people who obey instructions. Spend £80 and wrap the object modestly, letting its quality disclose your achievement. The recipient will initially be delighted, then troubled, then occupied with ensuring that the colleague who has just opened a £19.99 desk calendar has not noticed. This gives your present a social complexity that cheaper gifts seldom achieve and may account for the unusually long pause before she thanks you.

If anyone mentions the limit, explain that you simply saw it and thought of her. It is hardly your fault that thinking of her proved four times more expensive than thinking of everybody else. “Oh, it was nothing” is useful too: it establishes that £80 is nothing to you, an interesting contribution to a gathering at which several people have retained their lunch receipts. Next year the organiser will send a message emphasising the limit, with a paragraph about making the exchange comfortable for everyone. You can agree wholeheartedly. It is a relief when someone takes responsibility for the atmosphere.

11. Money, with fewer possibilities

Money can feel impersonal, so improve it by removing some of the things it can do. A voucher preserves much of a sum’s purchasing power while limiting where and sometimes when it can be spent. This demonstrates thought. Select a shop far enough away to make redemption an outing, ideally one she would not otherwise visit. She can choose a day, arrange transport and remember the envelope; by then, fifty pounds will feel considerably more substantial than it did in your bank account.

The shop’s least expensive desirable object should cost slightly more than the voucher, allowing her to contribute financially to your generosity. If she fails to find anything, she can retain the card in her handbag, where it will appear whenever she searches for a parking ticket. Each discovery will remind her that you have done something kind and she has not yet completed it. Ask what she bought, rather than whether she has managed to use it. The former assumes success, and the small pressure of accounting for her enjoyment may help her settle for something.

12. Further equipment for the three cakes she made in 2014

In 2014, she made three cakes, one of which was sufficiently successful for somebody to remark that she ought to do it professionally. The family remembered. Christmas has since provided piping bags, specialist tins and a revolving platform on which a cake can be admired from every direction. She has not made another cake, but this need not discourage you. There may still be a piece of equipment missing, and it would be a shame for an early promise to go unfulfilled because nobody thought to buy a set of petal cutters.

Your present recalls a hopeful period when she had a free Saturday, some overripe bananas and no idea how extensively her relatives would interpret the result. Avoid asking what she enjoys now, since that could invalidate purchases already made by your sisters. Choose a book on advanced sugarcraft and write “For our star baker” inside the cover. The inscription will remind her of the family’s confidence whenever she opens it, and will also complicate selling it. She can keep the book beside the others, where its accumulating companions make the absence of a cake seem increasingly like a personal decision.

13. Perfume chosen by the woman who works there

The fragrance counter gives you access to a woman who knows about perfume, which should compensate for the gaps in your knowledge of its intended wearer. Explain that your wife likes nice things but nothing too strong. The assistant will understand that you require a fragrance which exists while making only a moderate commitment to doing so. If asked what she wears already, describe the bottle: it is approximately rectangular, though not entirely, with a lid you have seen on the dressing table most mornings for eleven years.

After several paper strips, the department will smell of the same increasingly urgent decision. You may no longer be able to distinguish one perfume from another, or recall what the shop smelled like when you entered. At this stage, packaging is a valuable independent source of guidance. Choose the bottle that looks expensive in a way you understand and ask for it to be wrapped. The assistant has now selected the fragrance, explained its character and arranged its presentation. Your contribution is the recipient, and it is only unfortunate that she is the one element neither of you has been able to assess properly.

14. A beginner’s set for the expert in your life

For an accomplished watercolourist, a box containing seventy-two pieces offers an obvious improvement on the small collection of paints she has assembled through experience. Count everything. The sharpener is a piece, the sponge is a piece, and the plastic mixing tray makes the entire enterprise appear unusually serious when viewed through the transparent lid. Her existing brushes may be expensive, but these have been arranged diagonally. There is a great deal to be said for an object which presents its qualifications before it has been used.

She may explain that she is particular about materials. Reassure her that the set is only for having fun, a distinction that will help her reconsider the activity she has pursued carefully for twenty years. She can take it on holiday, or keep it for experimenting, or use it when she does not mind what happens. These suggestions demonstrate your willingness to find a place for the present even where she has failed to identify one. The box says Suitable for All Abilities, so there is no reason to make hers an exception. Ask to see a painting done with it. This will encourage her to move beyond gratitude into evidence.

15. A washbag bearing the part of her name you know best

A monogram establishes that you know something about her which is also available on an envelope. Select the letters with care, especially where marriage, divorce or a dislike of her middle name has complicated matters. There is no need to discuss why she signs things differently at work, but the washbag should not commemorate a man she has spent considerable time ceasing to be married to. Two initials may be safer than three, and a single letter can convey intimacy without requiring you to become involved in her history.

Personalisation gives the object a permanence an ordinary washbag cannot achieve. An ordinary washbag could be passed to a friend; this one must find another person with the same initials and a similar relationship to toiletries. If the lettering is wrong, explain that the mistake makes it unique. She may not have been seeking uniqueness of this particular kind, but there is something ungenerous about insisting that a handmade-looking object should also be accurate. Next year, check the spelling before ordering the matching luggage tag. Collections are more satisfying when the errors remain consistent.

16. A hamper, in case she likes something

A hamper saves you discovering what she enjoys by providing a little of almost everything. Look for mustard containing something mustard did not previously require, crackers intended for a cheese not included and a small jar whose label refers confidently to game. There should be a wooden utensil which fits none of the jars and enough shredded paper to conceal the interval between what the basket costs and what can be eaten. The contents must look convincing together; whether they can form a meal is a domestic question beyond the proper responsibilities of the giver.

She will unpack everything separately, making an appreciative noise at each successive preserve. This secures a much longer period of gratitude than a single object could reasonably command. Explain the unfamiliar items using what you can remember from the description, taking particular care not to imply that the fig preparation is simply jam. By February, several jars will remain in the cupboard, waiting for guests who appear equal to them. The household will continue eating cheese on toast, while a spoonful of something dark occupies the shelf at eye level. The basket, at least, will prove immediately useful for storing the bath set.

17. A book about the woman she could become

Choose a reassuring cover. Pale colours and a sympathetic typeface can make an extensive criticism look like encouragement. The book should explain how she might become calmer, more organised and less inclined to let ordinary life trouble her. There will be exercises, which she can complete around the things currently making her tired, and accounts of women who have transformed themselves by adopting a routine beginning at five in the morning. She has previously regarded five in the morning as a time at which she hopes not to be awake, but this may be part of the difficulty.

A chapter on boundaries is particularly thoughtful. You have noticed that she does too much for other people, especially when you need her to do something, and it would be good for her to address this without disrupting any existing arrangements. Insist that the present is about putting herself first. If she asks whether that includes not hosting your family next Christmas, explain that you meant in a broader, more inward-looking sense. A notebook will make an attractive accompaniment. She can use the first page to record what she intends to change, although you should not assume you will be invited to read it.

18. A foot spa with a lengthy programme

The foot spa has a significant advantage over ordinary rest: once she has begun using it, standing up creates a problem. She must first fill the basin, carry it into the sitting room, find a socket and spread a towel. This resembles enough of her normal activity that the household will not immediately become alarmed. Only when her feet are submerged will it become clear that she has placed herself beyond the usual requirements to fetch, answer, find or attend to something in another room.

The scissors will be needed almost at once. Someone will announce that the printer has stopped working, and a child will remember an item upstairs which can apparently be retrieved only by its mother. Under ordinary circumstances, she might resolve these difficulties while insisting that everybody ought to manage without her. The foot spa introduces a physical obstacle to this familiar compromise. For perhaps twenty minutes, her family must discover what it already knows. Choose a model with a reassuringly long cycle and place the instruction booklet beside her, so that any attempt to shorten the treatment can be met with a reference to the manufacturer’s advice. You need not understand why she likes the present so much.

19. A lamp that needs introducing to the router

Her present lamp comes on when she presses a switch. Replace it with one that must first join a household, recognise a network and be given a name. Install the app on your phone while setting it up, since this will be quicker than explaining the process and gives you an opportunity to demonstrate the lamp’s considerable abilities. The room can become purple, green or a shade of red under which nobody would willingly eat. She will ask whether it can simply look like the old lamp, and you can assure her that somewhere among the options there is provision for that.

Before leaving, show her how easily you operate it. She will have watched you change the colour several times and may reasonably assume that a means of turning it on has been included in her part of the arrangement. Back at your flat, you will still have access. From thirty miles away, you can illuminate her sitting room; from the chair beside it, she cannot. Encourage her to telephone if there is any difficulty. It is important to keep in touch, and you have supplied a practical reason for doing so whenever she wishes to read.

20. A photograph of both of you, selected by one of you

Among the hundreds of photographs of you together, there will be one in which you look particularly well. Choose that. She may be blinking, speaking or halfway through explaining where the car is parked, but these details give the image a spontaneity that a formally successful picture might lack. Have it printed at a size which makes your pleasure in it unmistakable and place it in a frame too substantial to be dismissed as a temporary arrangement.

If she appears uncertain, explain that you remember being happy that day. She must now decide whether to dispute the photograph or the happiness, neither of which is an attractive undertaking in front of your mother. She may suggest another image, in which both of you have your eyes open and she is not holding a parking ticket between her teeth. Agree that it is lovely while mentioning how much you have already spent on the frame. The important thing is that the present records a shared memory. It need not record the version of that memory she would have chosen to display above the fireplace.

21. A puppy, with the remaining arrangements left open

A puppy allows you to give somebody several years of responsibility while she is distracted by its ears. Christmas morning provides favourable conditions: the house is full of people available to hold it, admire it and promise help. There is no need to examine their availability on a wet Tuesday in February. The puppy itself will contribute enthusiastically, moving from lap to lap and giving everyone the impression that the arrangement is communal.

Practical questions can follow. She has a sensible head and will soon discover the cost of food, training and whatever must be done to the garden gate. You may point out that she has always loved dogs. She also loves the sea, although some discussion would precede moving her into it. Take photographs while everybody is still present, preferably before the puppy discovers the rug. By evening it will remain a family gift, though most of the family will have gone home. Leave the lead somewhere visible. The change from admiration to walking occurs earlier in the morning than many people anticipate.

22. A balloon flight she can look forward to several times

A balloon flight introduces her to a world of distinctions between pleasant weather and weather in which something can safely leave the ground. She may previously have looked at a blue sky and considered the matter settled. Now she can study wind forecasts, keep entire Saturdays provisionally available and receive messages whose apologetic tone will become part of the experience. Each postponement renews the anticipation, giving your present a longer life than an ordinary afternoon out.

Ask periodically whether she has been up yet. This keeps your generosity in conversation while establishing that any failure to enjoy it belongs to the atmosphere. She may stop unpacking the small bag prepared for the early start, preferring to leave it by the bedroom door as an expression of conditional hope. Eventually, the right conditions may coincide with a day she can attend, and the flight will be wonderful. Until then, you have given her a reason to resent a breeze and an unusually detailed understanding of why a sunny morning can still be no use to anyone.

23. Something with MUM written on it

She may be a reader, a swimmer, a former singer in a band and a woman who once travelled alone through a country whose name you cannot remember. There is no need to make the purchase so complicated. She is Mum, and the word can be applied to a mug, a necklace, a cushion or a small plaque, allowing her to retain the role in whichever room she happens to occupy. A shop can accommodate a surprising number of interests once those interests have been reduced to having children.

For additional feeling, choose Best Mum. The comparison group need not be identified, since it would be upsetting to discover that anyone had conducted interviews. She will almost certainly keep the object, particularly if it comes from a child young enough to believe the description is official. You can take its continued presence as confirmation that you have captured her whole personality, rather than that she finds it difficult to discard evidence of being loved. There is space in the drawer beside the jewellery she wore before anybody called her Mum, although the drawer is becoming rather full of people remembering only that part.

24. A donation to a cause close to your heart

Giving to charity in her name allows you to make two parties grateful, provided she has been consulted about neither of them. Select the cause which moves you most. It is important to feel strongly about a Christmas present, and there is no rule requiring the feeling to occur at the receiving end. The organisation will benefit, which gives the transaction a useful stability even if the recipient is uncertain what she has received.

Place the certificate in an envelope and let her read it aloud. Anything short of delight may appear to reveal an unfortunate position on woodland, clean water or donkeys, so the response is likely to be favourable. Mention that neither of you needs more things, especially if she has bought you something and is still holding it. You may wish to explain your personal connection to the cause at some length. This will help her understand why the gift matters, while requiring remarkably little information about what matters to her. The certificate can be put somewhere visible, reminding visitors that you have discovered a form of generosity which also provides an excellent account of your character.

25. A cookery course for the woman who makes your dinner

A cookery course demonstrates that you consider her existing work worth improving. Choose something ambitious enough to distinguish it from the meals she prepares each evening, preferably a dish requiring several pans and an ingredient available only during working hours from a shop on the other side of town. She can spend Saturday learning it and reproduce it on Wednesday, when everyone needs to eat at different times. The course includes lunch, so she will receive a meal as well as instruction in making one.

Tell her she deserves to follow her passion. She may have described cooking as getting something on the table before the children become unreasonable, but talented people are often modest about their work. On her return, ask what she can make for you. This shows an immediate interest and prevents the day becoming an experience enjoyed only by her. Should she suggest that you might like a course too, explain that you would never be as good. A compliment can preserve an arrangement remarkably effectively when delivered at the point where somebody is considering changing it.

26. A souvenir of your holiday

A painted dish from Tuscany lets her share a small part of the holiday you enjoyed without her. It looked beautiful outside the shop beneath a vine; she lives beside a roundabout, but there is no reason she should be denied the chance to reproduce the effect. The dish is large enough to require a purpose and decorative enough to resist being used without discussion. She can begin by moving something she chose herself.

Explain that you thought of her when you saw it. Nobody need enquire whether the thought concerned her taste or the convenient completion of her Christmas shopping. Once she has said it is lovely, describe the village, the restaurant and the astonishing light. The object may gradually become less prominent than the circumstances in which you bought it, but these are part of its provenance and should not be neglected. If she asks what one puts in such a dish, recall what the shopkeeper had in it, which may have been several smaller dishes. Encourage her to visit. She can then see why it looked right somewhere else.

27. The wrong present, delivered monthly

A subscription removes the pressure of making the wrong decision only once. Every month, a box will arrive containing something selected by a stranger working from approximately the same understanding that guided your initial purchase. Choose a broad theme such as discovery or wellbeing. Almost any woman interested in being alive should fall somewhere within these categories, and uncertainty can be described as part of the pleasure.

There may be a preference questionnaire. Complete it yourself, or let her begin January by correcting your assumptions in twelve separate fields. By spring she will have developed a technique for opening the boxes without disturbing anything that might later be passed on. By summer, the unopened ones will provide storage for the contents of earlier deliveries. Ask which month she liked best, so that she has a reason to inspect the labels. You can reassure her that there are still several boxes to come. A conventional present might allow disappointment to fade, but the subscription ensures that your optimism remains an active presence in her life.

28. A plant that will report on her

A plant adds life to a room and makes it possible to ask indefinitely how your present is getting on. Choose a variety with exacting requirements. An accommodating plant might thrive without your being discussed, whereas this one will need a careful balance of light, warmth, moisture and not being interfered with by the person responsible for maintaining that balance. She will move it away from the window because of the sun, then towards the window because of the light. The ideal position will already contain something she uses.

The first brown leaf can be removed discreetly, but later developments may require a strategic rearrangement before your visits. She might place the plant behind a curtain and hope you interpret its position as specialist care. Ask to see it. You have a legitimate interest in something you selected, particularly if you explained at length that it was easy to keep. When she admits it is struggling, offer advice based on the label you discarded at the shop. She will promise to try, and the two of you can agree that plants are sensitive, without considering whether this was a quality she wished to be given.

29. Two tickets to your formative years

Music can transport her to an important period in your life, provided she is willing to stand for several hours while you explain it. She has heard the band in your car, which establishes an interest: she has never attempted to leave the vehicle while it was moving. Two tickets make the present shared, although the excitement need not be distributed evenly. You can carry her portion until she begins to appreciate what is happening.

On the journey, describe the first time you saw them. She knows the story, but never before has it had such immediate geographical relevance. At the venue, introduce her to people you last met when you were nineteen and whose names have become uncertain in the intervening decades. During the encore, put an arm around her and ask whether she is enjoying herself. She may say yes because she is pleased to see you happy, which is a generous answer and should be remembered accurately. When another tour is announced, however, you will probably remember only the yes.

30. A photograph of the family she has spent the morning organising

A family photoshoot produces evidence that everyone is getting on. Book it for a Saturday in January, giving her time to arrange haircuts, coordinate clothes and explain why a football shirt does not fall within the photographer’s suggestion of relaxed neutrals. The appointment itself is your present; the small matters required to make attending it possible can be handled by the person who ordinarily handles them.

At the studio, everyone will be asked to behave naturally. Your youngest will adopt an expression nobody has seen before, while your father stands as though awaiting a decision from the council. She will move between them, adjusting collars, locating tissues and asking you to remove your hands from your pockets. Eventually, one photograph will contain enough acceptable versions of everybody to justify its price. Hang it prominently, where visitors can remark on what a lovely family you are. She will remember the morning differently, but it is useful to have a record which settles the matter in favour of the smiles. Make sure she is seated in the final picture; it may be her first opportunity that day.

31. Her life story, which you would be interested to receive in writing

A book of questions tells your mother that you would like to know more about her, once she has written it down properly. There will be space for childhood, first love, ambitions and disappointments, together with a generous section about becoming your mother. The questions have been prepared by somebody whose own mother may be quite different, but there should be enough overlap for the form to function.

Give the book early enough that she has time to complete it and mention occasionally how lovely it would be to have. This introduces a deadline without the unpleasantness of naming what it is. She may begin telling you one of the stories at Christmas lunch, recalling a place you have never seen and a version of herself who used to live there. Listen for a while, then explain that this is exactly the sort of thing she should put in the book. The conversation can return to something everyone remembers.

Next year, ask whether she has finished. She may apologise, describing the difficulty of deciding what matters and how much detail to include. Reassure her that anything will do, although you would particularly like the stories about when you were little. It is touching to be given access to a whole life, and understandable to begin with the part in which you already know the principal character.

32. A better version of the thing she prefers

Her old teapot is chipped, unfashionable and entirely familiar. Replace it with something whose merits can be established without reference to affection. The new one pours at a different angle, holds slightly less water and comes from a maker whose name she will have to remember when people ask about it. It has no history, which gives it a cleanliness of purpose the old object has gradually lost.

She may point out that there is nothing wrong with the teapot she owns. Draw attention to the chip and avoid becoming distracted by the circumstances in which her father bought it. The fact that it has survived three house moves, accompanied thousands of ordinary afternoons and taught her precisely how far to tilt it before the lid shifts does not feature in a useful comparison of the products. For several weeks, she will use yours when you are present, accepting its unfamiliarity as part of thanking you. Keep the box. It will eventually provide excellent protection for the new teapot while the old one returns to making tea.

33. A spa day for somebody who relaxes differently

A spa removes the pressures of ordinary life and replaces them with unfamiliar ones, expressed quietly. She will need to know where to put her clothes, how much clothing to remove and whether “Is that pressure all right?” permits an answer with qualifications. The reception area will encourage silence so successfully that she may find herself whispering her postcode. Choose a treatment she has never heard of, since uncertainty gives the day a sense of discovery.

During the treatment, she will consider whether she is expected to speak, whether the robe opens at the back and whether the therapist has left the room temporarily or finished altogether. Afterwards, she can sit beside other people in dressing gowns, all trying to appear as though this is how they ordinarily spend an afternoon. Ask whether she feels better when she returns. She will probably say yes, because she has recovered her glasses, put her shoes on and established that she is free to leave. You need not determine which part of the day produced the improvement. The important thing is that she came home relieved.

34. An ornament her flat can grow into

A large ornament cannot easily be overlooked, misplaced or quietly removed from display. These are excellent properties in a gift. Consider a bronze-effect stag substantial enough to influence the arrangement of the sitting room. She may live in a small flat, but this should not restrict the scale of your generosity; people who care about objects generally find room for them, even where they had previously intended to sit.

Unwrap it at your house, where there is space for everyone to appreciate the antlers. Its journey home can be considered later, when she must decide whether to carry it by the neck or attempt to enclose it in several bags. Tell her you knew she would find somewhere for it. This expresses confidence in a woman now obliged to reorganise her domestic life around an animal she did not previously own. On your next visit, look for it before sitting down. She may have placed it in the bedroom, away from guests who ask questions, but it is reasonable to expect a brief viewing of something in which you have invested such considerable space.

35. A vase of considerable photographic size

The vase looked substantial online because it was photographed alone against an empty background. Nothing beside it revealed that its natural competitors for scale were a thimble and a grape. When the delivery arrives, you may suspect that part of the order is missing, but a second inspection will establish that the entire vase is present and the misunderstanding belongs elsewhere.

Reconsider the purchase in terms of delicacy, intimacy and the rewards of looking closely. A single stem will help, provided you can find one sufficiently slight. Wrap the object in plenty of tissue, allowing the reduction from parcel to present to occur gradually rather than as a shock. If she says, “Oh, it’s tiny,” agree warmly. This has been your intention since you opened the delivery, and it would be confusing to introduce an earlier interpretation now. She may place it on a shelf where it is difficult to see, but do not regard this as a slight. The vase has been making a considerable impression from a misleading distance since before either of you owned it.

36. A box for your previous generosity

A storage box is a thoughtful present for a woman whose house has become crowded with thoughtful presents. Choose one large enough for the diffuser, the unused stationery and the glass bird she cannot place anywhere without wondering what you meant by it. The box itself must be attractive enough to resist disposal, otherwise you have merely provided a route out of the problem rather than a contribution to its management.

Once filled, it will need somewhere to stand. This may require the movement of another box, whose contents were also once expressions of affection, but there is comfort in a gift responding to a genuine household need. You can point to the growing difficulty of storing things as proof that you have been paying attention. The fact that your previous purchases helped create that difficulty demonstrates a longstanding interest. When the lid no longer closes, a larger box will be appropriate, and you can both enjoy the sense that Christmas is becoming practical. Eventually she may have enough boxes to categorise them by giver, at which point your generosity will occupy a clearly defined part of the house.

37. Dinner for two, to which she can make a contribution

A restaurant voucher offers much of the pleasure of an invitation without committing you to the eventual bill. Choose a sum sufficient to make declining wasteful but insufficient to cover dinner. Drinks can remain her responsibility, together with transport and the second course that turns the first into a meal. She may spend more using the voucher than she would have spent staying at home, but this is part of the experience: you have encouraged her to treat herself.

The restaurant should be somewhere you have always meant to try, so that her account can inform a future decision. Ask whether the staff looked after her and whether the food justified the fuss. There is no need to ask what it cost, since you already know what it cost you. If she mentions having had to add rather a lot, remind her that it was meant as a contribution. This distinction need not have appeared on the tag; contributions and complete presents are easiest to tell apart once somebody else has settled the bill.

38. A Christmas decoration, briefly relevant

A Christmas decoration is appropriate at the exact moment it is received, which cannot be said of every present. The tree will already be full, but something made by a child years ago can be moved towards the wall. Your contribution has packaging and ought to be seen. Choose a fragile design, giving it a permanent claim on tissue paper, storage and the particular anxiety associated with an object whose destruction would require an explanation.

For most of the year, it will occupy a box. Its brief return next December should be treated as an important reunion, and you may ask where she has put it before taking off your coat. She will look among the branches, initially with confidence and then with the increasingly broad movements of someone searching for a familiar face in a crowd. If it cannot be found, accept her explanation that it must be in the other box. There is always another box at Christmas, and the social usefulness of this fact should not be underestimated. Next year, choose something easier to spot.

39. A water bottle for the woman who has been drinking incorrectly

Her existing method of consuming water may appear adequate. This is because she has not watched enough videos. The new vessel has a lid, a straw, a handle and a capacity suggesting that she may be away from plumbing for some time. It can accompany her everywhere, provided everywhere has somewhere to put it, and announces a commitment to hydration that an ordinary glass has never been able to communicate.

Colour matters. Select the one difficult to obtain, since difficulty supplies much of the excitement and saves you investigating whether she likes it. There will be components to clean separately and perhaps an accessory which protects the bottom from surfaces, giving the bottle something of the domestic standing formerly enjoyed by a polished dining table. Tell her it is the one everyone wants. She will try to understand the distinction between wanting water and wanting this particular relationship with water, but you need not rush her. Until Christmas morning, she had not realised that a bodily requirement could have moved so far ahead without her.

40. A present worthy of the family group chat

The best presents make people happy. With suitable preparation, they can also show other people that you have made someone happy. Have your phone ready before she begins opening, since authentic reactions are difficult to reconstruct after the recipient discovers she is being filmed. Ask her to move towards the window and turn the label outwards. There is no reason natural pleasure should be poorly lit.

If the recording fails, she can close the box and open it again. The second expression of delight may be less spontaneous, but music will help, and the family will be interested regardless. Post promptly, before another relative establishes the emotional high point of the morning. She has received one present; you may receive several dozen approving messages. Later, when she wants to tell you something about the gift, you might still be replying to people who have enjoyed watching her receive it. Ask her to wait a moment. It is important to thank everyone for recognising how thoughtful you have been.

41. One evening off, subject to availability

Make the voucher yourself, keeping the gift personal and the terms within your control. Write One Evening Off prominently, followed by To Be Arranged in smaller letters. She can choose an evening when you are available, the children have nothing difficult scheduled and there is nothing you particularly wish to watch. Before leaving, she should explain dinner, bedtime and where the spare pyjamas are kept. You cannot reasonably be expected to improvise merely because she has been released from duty.

When she returns, give a full account of what happened, including the part where someone refused peas and the considerable time required to resolve the disagreement. She should understand the work undertaken on her behalf. The washing-up can wait until morning, since the offer concerned an evening rather than an unrestricted period of household competence. Ask whether she had a good time and remind her that she ought to do this more often. It is a generous observation, especially when made by the person whose availability will be necessary before she can.

42. The present chosen especially for whoever turns up

Keep an emergency gift wrapped in the cupboard for somebody you have not thought of. It should suit almost anyone while implying that one particular person was in mind. Soap is useful, as is a candle of no strong character. Avoid sizes, initials or anything requiring you to have listened. A blank tag can be attached loosely, ready for the moment December supplies a name.

When an unexpected visitor arrives carrying a gift bag, excuse yourself and call from the hallway that you were just about to bring theirs through. Write with confidence, asking a discreet member of the household how to spell the name if necessary. You will return carrying physical evidence of a thought you had forty seconds ago. “I saw this and thought of you” is defensible: you saw it in the cupboard while thinking quite urgently about them. Should they seem deeply touched, accept the feeling without becoming uneasy. Their present may have begun under similar circumstances, and there is no reason two acts of panic should not produce an agreeable afternoon.

43. A photograph of something you are very close to ordering

A printed picture separates the emotional benefits of giving from the administrative requirement to have completed the purchase. Print it in colour, demonstrating commitment, and place it in a large enough envelope that its opening still counts as an event. Explain that the present has been delayed. There is no need to identify the point in the process at which this happened; delivery companies are substantial organisations and can accommodate a little seasonal disappointment.

She may offer to help track it. Say you are dealing with the matter, which will become increasingly true as soon as you have access to your laptop. The picture can stand on the mantelpiece for a few days, where visitors may assume it commemorates a handbag of particular importance. When you eventually place the order, check that the item remains available. If it does not, she can choose something else, allowing you to describe the arrangement as flexible. Few conventional presents provide an image, an expectation and an opportunity to reconsider, distributed so thoughtfully across the first quarter.

44. A necklace in an exceptionally safe place

An expensive necklace should be hidden somewhere she will not think to look. Unfortunately, such places are often equally inaccessible to your own memory. The sock drawer is obvious, and the top shelf scarcely improves matters. Choose instead a location whose brilliance depends on the circumstances of a particular Tuesday: inside a casserole rarely used, perhaps, or in the pocket of a coat you later take to the cleaners. The essential thing is to feel, at the time, that nobody could possibly discover it.

On Christmas morning, explain that you have bought her something wonderful and put it somewhere very safe. She can help search, extending her involvement beyond receipt and providing a shared activity before lunch. You will remember the room but not the cupboard, then the cupboard but not the room, with each recollection delivered confidently enough to require investigation. After a while, ask whether she has moved anything. This introduces a second possible explanation for the disappearance and may help you feel less alone. If the necklace emerges in March, give it to her immediately. She will have earned the surprise of receiving something she has already spent several hours trying to find.

45. A present she has thoughtfully bought herself on your behalf

For complete accuracy, let her choose, order and receive her own present. She knows the size, colour and model, and may find a discount which allows you to become more generous without increasing expenditure. Ask her to wrap it as well. This preserves an element of surprise for you, an aspect of conventional gift-giving that is too often overlooked.

On Christmas morning, watch as she opens the parcel and ask whether she likes it. She will, but it is pleasant to hear the arrangement confirmed. If relatives ask what you bought, she can answer before you must recall the name. You may feel a small personal contribution is required, in which case write the tag and remember to remove the delivery note bearing her details. She need not mind the practical arrangement; she may be relieved to receive precisely what she wanted. Avoid interpreting this relief as proof that you have become exceptionally good at choosing. She has solved the problem by removing the choice from your part of it.

46. Several little things, each requiring a separate thank-you

A single well-chosen object can look disappointingly small beneath the tree. Correct this with several things whose individual claims are less certain. Wrap each separately, allowing duration to demonstrate the effort which the contents may struggle to communicate. Save the most plausible present until last, or, if none stands out, distribute confidence evenly. A lip balm can sustain considerable expectation when handed over with the remark that you thought she would particularly like this one.

She must now produce a fresh expression of pleasure for each parcel. Help by explaining where everything came from, particularly where parking was difficult or the queue unusually long. As the pile diminishes, she may begin expecting a final object which gives the others context. Do not become discouraged when the socks fail to perform this role. There is still the notebook, which she can use for almost anything, and a small cream whose purpose is printed on the back. Afterwards, survey the paper together. The quantity is reassuring, and whatever else remains uncertain, there can be no question that you have given her a lot.

47. Something modest in a bag with greater ambitions

A distinguished shopping bag can undertake work well beyond the value of its contents. Place it beneath the tree with the name facing out and allow the room to make several assumptions on your behalf. The object inside may be modest, but it came from the shop, or at least the bag did, and there is no reason they should not participate in the same Christmas.

She will recognise the bag before she sees the present. Watch that first expression carefully, since it may be the one you prefer. As the tissue is removed, she must adjust her expectations without allowing the adjustment to become visible, a feat requiring considerable social skill. Do not interrupt by asking whether she thought it was something else. She is already occupied with ensuring you do not have to know. Afterward, offer to take the packaging away and retain the bag somewhere dry. Next year it may give another person several seconds of uncomplicated happiness, which is more than can be said for some substantially more expensive purchases.

48. A silk scarf for the woman in the photograph

A silk scarf is a persuasive recommendation when the person making it sells silk scarves. At Thackray, we can explain the artwork, the writing and the interesting things a square can do when folded. By the end, buying one may seem less a decision than the satisfactory conclusion of an argument. There remains the question of whether she wears scarves, but a compelling photograph can make this appear a small administrative detail.

You may imagine her stepping from a train, coat open, silk moving in the winter air. The woman receiving the present may more often be found carrying three bags through a supermarket car park, trying to keep a receipt dry. These activities do not exclude scarves, but it is worth checking which woman you expect to find beneath the wrapping paper. The photograph supplies a moment, not a replacement life, and she should not discover that her present includes instructions to become less recognisably herself.

Choose the colour she wears and the story that genuinely brings her to mind. There is still ample room for extravagance within the troublesome business of knowing somebody, and we would prefer the scarf to leave its box occasionally. Christmas morning is already being asked to accommodate a great deal without introducing a new wardrobe, a different manner of travelling and a more photogenic relationship with the weather. We can provide the square; it is sensible to settle the rest before ordering.

49. Something better than the exact thing she asked for

She has sent a link containing the item, colour and size, followed by the words “This would be lovely.” You could buy it, but where would your contribution be? A gift ought to contain evidence of independent judgement. Select something close enough to demonstrate that you received the message and different enough to establish that you were not merely carrying out instructions. If she asked for navy, consider red; if she wanted plain, there will almost certainly be a version with something on it.

When she asks why you chose this one, explain that you thought it was more her. She may struggle to understand how the object she did not select represents her more accurately than the object she did, particularly after she went to the trouble of explaining the distinction. Be patient. You have had several weeks to develop this interpretation, and she has only just been introduced to it. There is something touching about the confidence with which you have chosen on her behalf. It would be unfortunate if a little direct information were allowed to undermine that confidence.

50. Nothing, in strict accordance with her wishes

This is an elegant present, requiring no wrapping and almost no storage. Agree upon it in November, when both of you are tired enough to find the suggestion sensible. Say that you already have everything you need, that Christmas has become ridiculous and that the money would be better spent doing something together. She will agree, and you can experience the rare pleasure of completing your shopping without leaving the room.

She, however, will later see something small which is absolutely you. It will not count as a present, since the agreement concerned presents and this is merely something she happened to find. She will wrap it because leaving it unwrapped would look odd, and place it beneath the tree because that is where wrapped things go. On Christmas morning, she will hand it over with the reassurance that it is only a little thing. You will have brought your full compliance with the arrangement, which suddenly seems difficult to give her.

Accept the parcel graciously and resist the temptation to reconstruct the conversation in November. However accurately you describe it, you will still be sitting beside the tree with both a present and an argument. She may insist that she genuinely did not want anything, and this may be entirely true; the difficulty lies in discovering that an agreement can be honoured differently by two people who made it together. Next year, propose the same sensible arrangement, then buy something small enough to deny. There is no need for either of you to lose confidence in the principle.